Cheese is Your Friend -- Humor for Turophiles

For all of you who are not lactose intolerant, here's a list of ways that cheese is your friend (from the cheese's perspective):

• I am there for you anytime that you need me, especially during or after a wild party when you need protein the most.
• You can carry me in your purse, much like a celebrity's toy dog, but I will never bite you (unless I am Jalapeno Jack, which by the way, would make a great name for a celebrity's toy dog).
• I am compatible with every meal in your life, unlike most of your ex-partners.
• As long as you have me around, you will be very popular with cats and rodents.
• Your doctor might tell you that I am bad for you, but when was the last time you heeded good advice?
• I can be equally good when I am cold, hot, or super melty, but you have to be exceptional and tolerant to appreciate my mood swings.
• When soft, I can be sculpted into balls or even busts of your favorite person, which can be quite popular at retro parties, special events, or fun-raisers (which everyone knows is not only an irritating way to beg for money, but a word abomination and an overused term). (Apologies, this item was added by a Port Windsor cheese, which although is mild in flavor is a REDHEADED cheese, and therefore can be somewhat ignitable.)
• I can be used as a deadly weapon when microwaved for more than two minutes.
• Although I might be addictive, you will never go to jail for using me, unless you shoplift me and get caught (not recommended).
• If I were a person, you would marry me.

"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath."

W.C. Fields

"Once we hit forty, women only have about four taste buds: one for vodka, one for wine, one for cheese, and one for chocolate."
Gina Barreca

"What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?"

Bertolt Brecht

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

Jay London

"There's always free cheese in the mouse traps, but the mice there ain't happy."

Unknown

"The watched cheese never grills."

Hayley Hoover