Cheese is Your Friend -- Humor for Turophiles

For all of you who are not lactose intolerant, here's a list of ways that cheese is your friend (from the cheese's perspective):

I am there for you anytime that you need me, especially during or after a wild party when you need protein the most.
You can carry me in your purse, much like a celebrity's toy dog, but I will never bite you (unless I am Jalapeno Jack, which by the way, would make a great name for a celebrity's toy dog).
I am compatible with every meal in your life, unlike most of your ex-partners.
As long as you have me around, you will be very popular with cats and rodents.
Your doctor might tell you that I am bad for you, but when was the last time you heeded good advice?
I can be equally good when I am cold, hot, or super melty, but you have to be exceptional and tolerant to appreciate my mood swings.
When soft, I can be sculpted into balls or even busts of your favorite person, which can be quite popular at retro parties, special events, or fun-raisers (which everyone knows is not only an irritating way to beg for money, but a word abomination and an overused term). (Apologies, this item was added by a Port Windsor cheese, which although is mild in flavor is a REDHEADED cheese, and therefore can be somewhat ignitable.)
I can be used as a deadly weapon when microwaved for more than two minutes.
Although I might be addictive, you will never go to jail for using me, unless you shoplift me and get caught (not recommended).
If I were a person, you would marry me.